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I haven't posted much recently. Life seems to move so fast through the winter. That may be because I was busy, but it may also be a function of being in the winter mode. Winter mode is quieter, less reflective, internall more passive. When I went back to the journals I kept regularly in my teens and twenties - there would often be a hiatus between January and March. And in March my mind would pick up again. (to the side there is a picture of a maple syrup tap - that's me)

This year there has been additional worry with an illness in my extended family, staff changes and re-alignment.

And I started a new program toward my master's degree in counseling. It's at night and on weekends with some on-line options. For me a lot is review right now - but very interesting. I'm becoming more conscious of my own prejudices and habits. Today I have a 17 min. interview to transcribe and analyze, a 5 page paper to write and two chapters to read. But the term is going fast, and will be over at Easter. Then a short on-line course and back to real-life courses in summer, I hope.

I don't even know if I can finish the degree, which requires two terms of 20/hour/wk placement. Don't know how I'll pull that off.
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saturday before Christmas

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Okay - Tree #2 - is up and decorated in the simplest way possible - just lights and selected glass ornaments - no brass or gold or glass or theme or special colors - just the first ones we laid our hands on. And then I said - well, there, that's pretty and closed up the bins with the unused ornaments. And it is pretty. It's okay that the glass ornaments (which represent at least one a year since we've been married) aren't used this year. There will be other years, other trees. This year needs to be simple.

Still no card -writing and presents to the east coast not sent. Pro-Flowers is a great thing, but I need to get on it.

It's Saturday afternoon and I must polish the sermon - and be ready to go to John's concert at 4:00, have dinner, then will have some time after that.

Still need to get readers for the 7 p.m. service, maybe ushers. I think the other two are set.

But, as thing go, it seems managable.
Peace, Peace, Peace.
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home

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Well, day two of the 'whole week off'. Let's see what's been done on the list.

• went to court with the YoungMan and he got off with a light fine for Disorderly Conduct. Unfortunately, my bail money from last week went to the fine. I'll never see it again.
• Made appointments for YoungMan at doctor - now to get him to go, and ask about his on-going health issues
• had mammogram, which was fine - HEY, what do ya mean, not yearly? Over my dead body. Sis found her cancer at her YEARLY mammo - and under the new guidelines she wouldn't have gone!
  
• Last night of NAMI family-to-family. It was overall a good experience. Some of the sessions I could have done without (medication doesn't fix everything). But met some people with extraordinary courage and compassion. And realized we weren't in it alone. I was so grateful Aquila was able to come too.

still to do:

• clean fridge, shop for weekend and Thanksgiving
• call for appointments for dentist, passport, car repair, carpet cleaning
• Get new driver's license. Try to get YoungMan to renew his, too.
• Prepare downstairs for painting - move stuff, furniture, tape, drape - paint, etc. This is the biggest project on line.
  
• shop for Christmas (some was done by internet yesterday , ya!)
• Play with dyeing before I pack stuff away and out of the dining area
• figure out what's going on with Thanksgiving day itself. MIL is in rehab, SIL will be alone, but YoungMan hasn't let us know what he will or won't do.
• re-organize my study.
  
• For work: connect with Christmas tree decorators. Review photos for PPT Dec. 6.
• Read Edgar Sawtell.
  

Hmm - what about doing the fun stuff first?
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the path prayer

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. AMEN.

(Thomas Merton)

Saturday at last

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Saturday at last, because it's been a full week. Some good things on the horizon - a lovely afternoon, the hard sermon is done. Hard for me personally, because I'm being vulnerable, but I don't want my message to be about me, but about how scripture works to convict and free all of us.

But still beautiful fall weather, so this p.m. I'll make a pear pie and trim the garden. Grill out. Tomorrow we've made a date to see the Harry Potter movie in the theater.

I have a strong desire to play with colors, so I'll organize all the drawing and painting things together today, and take some time to play. It's my newest form of personal expression and spirituality, I've decided.

The son has been in contact, after 2 1/2 weeks without answering my phone calls. I guess I'm forgiven. He's had bad eye inflammation and needed some home remedies. We will need to see how well Badger Care Plus works - I'm just grateful for that 'public option.'
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beautiful day, internal not so

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We had a beautiful day for our church/neighborhood picnic. From what I saw and heard, the picnic was smooth, lots and lots of people got fed and lots and lots of kids played hard.

I did some stupid stuff in church, and since the lessons - about the tongue, and wisdom, from James, and being like a child, from Mark, convict me, will deal with that this week.

Sometimes I wonder -
Just exactly what does it take to retire at 55?

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too quiet

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It's quiet. Too quiet. It's Tuesday morning and other people are working hard on their program starting. I see that I have about 4 different lesson preps, but none of them need to be done until next week. I'm not preaching this weekend.

The phone is quiet. It's beautiful outside and I'm considering going off to the library and hiding there. This is just too weird. I usually have more to do than I can put on a to-do list.

Goodness, maybe I'm supposed to study!
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Glorious Blueberry Shawl

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I started a new craft - dying yarn. And my first yarn was multicolored mohair. (Mohair was a mistake). But the colors were so pretty - very dark midnight blue, sapphire blue, sky blue, light sky blue, pale rose & rose.

Now I'm knitting it up in a simple pattern with BEADS!

Pictures forthcoming.
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up & running

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I haven't posted much this summer. There are various reasons for that.

• I moved my office from one building to another. It feels odd and still awkward in the new place, around the staff that I used to see only a couple a times a week. Now I'm out of the conversations in the old place, and not in conversations in the new place.
• We went on vacation right after that move. Vacation was great and I continue to work on my personal journal, casting out the line for my own vocational reality and personal peace.
• We had to move our son out of his apartment - I am not paying rent any more. He had trashed the apartment, and it was a hard slog through that issue, both physically and emotionally.
  
• We have been doing a sermon series at church, on purchased material, so I haven't had to write original sermons. There's enough there for another post, for sure.
• I've been doing more Facebook.
  

The two identities that I have to work at now are Pastor and Parent. As parent - DS will be 21 soon, and we are girding up for cutting him free. He has so few skills, so few resources and no motivation. Of course I worry. But he also doesn't hear advice.

He has court on Wednesday, and at least I think he should cut his hair and find nice clothes to wear (and, no, don't take them from your dad's closet). But - this is what most parents don't understand - I can't tell him that. His response would be either: anger, silence, or mocking. Of the three, silence is the most typical these days. And, we are at fault after the fact, always. That's the borderline personality for you.

As pastor I am still trying to find my place, my emphasis, my 'thing'. I feel marginalized a lot - I'm not as visible as others, and not 'included.' (Dear God, I sound like a teenager!). But it struck me that there is freedom on the margins, and perhaps it isn't such a bad place to do ministry.

More on all of this later.
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happy 4th

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Just kicking back on the holiday. My sister is here on her laptop and the Eagle's on his computer downstairs. Just the typical american folks on the fourth?

We are too much in the world, it seems.

Am waiting for the DS to return from California alive and well. Did some mental hands off on his decision to go on the road trip, and we'll leave as soon as he returns and commits to cat care. Being hands off in his life and decision is easy in one way - I'm not going to his apartment to clean it while he's gone - but hard in other ways. The apartment WILL need cleaning before he leaves at the end of the month. I hope again hope that this road trip will clear his mind and get him focused. I don't know why I think that would be true, it's not be true before. Hands off means at least we don't fight.

I know another family, another son the same age, in ICU with a serious illness. I am grateful for my son's relative health and relative good nature these days. As DS would say: why do you have a problem with my choices?

Today is going to be overcast, but not rainy. We'll grill meat and eat well and maybe sit on the roof to watch fireworks. Problem with that is the whole slanted roof thing.

Too lazy to do any real projects - cleaning the garage does not appeal.

Vacation began yesterday. Let it be.
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a weekend

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I have a weekend - a real two days off. And my husband is home for the same two days. It's a miracle. Except for vacations, I can't remember when that last happened.

So, tomorrow, carpet cleaning, then go to the park by the big lake, since we have to be out of the house for the carpet to dry. Then maybe grilling out, or maybe eating out, and maybe find out if the outdoor concert which was cancelled tonight is still happening.

It will be nice.

Gotta remember that for most people, this is normal.
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long week

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It's been a long week - week and a half. And I don't have anything profound to blog about. Just stuff.

Went through assembly without knitting (I had nothing at the right stage to transport). Did a lot of crosswords. Found presenters irritating, not inspiring. "Please turn to your neighbor and discuss what's wrong in your situation.' does not make for happy day. Rushed around for bad food, etc.

Pulled off Trinity week, and did the usual 20 hours in two days. Took the second half of Wednesday off to purchase stuff for the week of the convelescent.

Aquila's surgery went okay - hernia surgery and he had more to fix than they expected. Recovery is going slow. I don't think he'll be back with only a week off of work - or that he should go back that soon. However, he will feel guilty and like he should push himself. I think his co-workers might think about all the times he's covered for them. And no way should he be on call next Monday. He may not even be off the strong drugs and driving by then.

Lots of little things to think about - the day after surgery I had to get back to the office, and then had wedding day and then Sunday. And when does laundry get done, what can he cook for himself, can he even feed the cat?

As we were sitting in recovery I noticed I had a sore throat, which has blossomed into a full-blown cold. Today I'm walking around feeling the sleep waves creeping up on me - all I desire is to nap.

I know this isn't that interesting - my mind is mush.
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little things

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It's the little things.

It's the things I don't control.

I can only control how I respond.

It's having this conversation.

Confirmation Coordinator: "We had a pretty good year. I only wish we had some goals or some vision statement so we have a sense of the bigger picture of what we're doing. Parents don't seem to understand why we ask for what we ask."

Me: "Ah, when you started last summer I gave you a file with all the work from the task force that looked at that issue in 2007. There were all the notes, the final vision statement, the yearly goals and objectives and the 5 year plan. I also sent you the orientation PowerPoint with that same material on it to share with the parents."

Later that week: Confirmation Coordinator: "Oh, I can't find that yellow file, do you still have that material?"

And yesterday, when I looked on the computer - all my confirmation documents are gone. Just gone. Not there. Not in back-up either. I don't know what happened.

It's having this situation. Tonight I have to discuss faith statements with 4 high school students. I was told that student X had her statement in, and it was a good one. I said to student X last week - looking forward to seeing your statement and talking to you. Now I was told yesterday that student X doesn't have her paper in. MP said to me - I'll call. Today at staff, MP turns to Youth Director and says: "did you call?" Youth Director, who was at church with me until almost 9 last night. "No I didn't, but I texted them just now - 10:30 a.m."

I can only control how I respond.

I desire to give people a piece of my ear. But that would only make folks look at me as a shrew. I'm sitting tight until I can formulate how to respond.

How to say truth in love - "you ignored the materials I gave you, and the work that I and others had done on that very topic of vision and goals. I'm sorry you felt you weren't supported that way, but the materials were there for you."

"I'm disappointed there wasn't earlier and firmer followup with these statements. I counted on you to do what you had said. Between Monday morning and Tuesday bed-time I put in 21 hours, and you put in 7 - but I would have made the phone calls if you had asked."

And there are more troubling situations on the horizon. Sigh. the questions remain - how am i best to do the work?
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Random Thoughts on Holy Wednesday

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Random Thoughts

• If I went to the StoryCore booth, what story would I tell? How would I tell it?
• My husband and I have been struggling with the issue of clutter (my definition) and heirlooms that just need work (his definition) since we have been married. Will there ever be a resolution, or do we just buy a bigger house?
  
• A new haircut, by a new stylist, is always hard to get used to. But the last one was just not right, and I always get fussy about my hair before the holidays.
• Almost three years into full-time ministry in this place, what does commitment mean? The Benedictines take a vow of stability. What does such a notion mean for my ministry? When decisions are made that I don't agree with, how do they impact my sense of being pastor here?
  
• I'm second banana, sometimes 3rd banana. That will not change. How do I thrive?
  
• Am I at a place where this ministry may not be the focal and center point of my life? What would that feel like? What would be healthy about that? What might rise up? What doors might open?
• As spring comes slowly, what do I want to be different this year?
  

This is my 100th post!
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carry the cross

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I'm ashamed to say this text and it's fellows in the other cycles is one of my least favorites. It is so hard for me to communicate anew.

This week I won't post the sermon - it's adapted from an older one, and I'm not sure where I found the older one.

I start with the name question - God gives a name. Jesus has called us 'cross-bearers' Christians.

So how do we do that? That is the theme of the sermon.
I adapted the story of Clarence Jordan's Koinonia Farm. I wanted a story about sacrifice that was not about martyrdom. I find martyrdom stories very moving myself, but I don't know how many people really identify themselves that way.

I have been working many hours just doing the things I do - liturgy, putting together our Lenten worship, following up on my pastoral calls and hospital visits, going to too many meetings. I haven't been doing a lot of thinking. I watch. I observe. I comment.

And that may be why I don't have a good grasp on what 'cross-bearing' means in this time and place - it is still to be revealed to me.
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in a better place

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Yes, I'm in a better place now. Calling the health care advocate at the board of pensions got the prescription problem solved in 15 minutes. What my own conversation with the poor person at the pharmacy couldn't do, that magic of authority could do.

But they will review the mix-up with the account manager. This was about a little problem - what happens to people who have real problems and can't get mad or don't have someone helpful to call?

Since the bad news hit right after I paid big bucks to get my car back on the road (fuel pump failure), and right before two funerals, I could just feel my BP up high. It may be just my imagination, but I think I can tell if my BP is too high.

Some would think being alone all weekend is a bad thing - but, no reflection upon Aquila, it's nice to be all alone for the weekend. I can eat when I want and watch TV and play on the computer. And no sermon needs to be written this week.
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thursday musing

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I've been back only 2 weeks and I'm already looking forward to a day of retreat.

It's been that hectic. Just the stuff to do takes time, a little here, a little there. An hour to visit the hospitals. Playing phone tag. The only hitch to my retreat day could be a funeral. I have not been responsible for leadership at a funeral since the 1st of the year. MP has had 5, PTMP has had about 5 too. I'm on deck for the next one.

My response to an erupting staff issue is "I don't have time for this." I really don't. It's not all about you, or me, or the colleague who made the decision you don't agree with. Don't ask me to have a meeting to tell you that. Stop hyperventilating and act like an adult.

Thoughts about Sunday's lessons. There is so much in this little story about the leper and Jesus. So far I've picked up - healing vs. cleansing. Notice that the word is cleansing, not healing. (I've been able to actually spend time with the Greek - fun, but perhaps not productive. - Isn't that sad?)

Cleansing this leper - declaring him clean - is a priestly function. Like the next story, about healing and forgiving sins - Jesus is expanding notion of wholeness. It will be no longer controlled by the priestly rituals. Jesus is snorting when he tells the man to go back (ek-ebalov) to the priests and witness to them. The English is softer.

The leper says to Jesus: you have the power to cleanse me. What faith!

It is sad that spending time with the Greek does not a sermon make these days. I need stories, a hook, an image, some tap-dancing and fireworks. Sigh, Jesus, pilot me.
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heard on Saturday

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"We used to have to come 20 minutes early to get a spot. Now we don't even fill up half the church."

(to the organist)
"Oh, I love when you choose all the old favorites."

Maybe those two things have something to do with each other.

It's not 1958 anymore.

I hope I don't get fired over alternative Lent.
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getting pretty deep

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I've been putting off writing the First Communion curriculum because I knew I would get in trouble with some of the sections.

I am trying very, very hard not to copy anything.

So now I am trying to put "incurvatus in se" in terms for 5th graders.

Easier said than done. And it's not easy to say.

But it is the best description of sin I can think of.

We'll see what I end up with.
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the WORD and words

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Actually sat down this p.m. and worked on my sermon. I know it's a holiday, but I'm not a parade or a football watcher - unless it's my team.

the sermon idea is about words and the WORD. How we use words to construct our worlds and in our sinful way, use words to hurt others. God's WORD, however, is love. Creation is love spoken out loud. How God in Christ was the WORD made flesh - not just to experience what we experience, but to empower our word-world away from fear and into love.

It reads a lot less confusing than that!

And I connect it with the Book of Faith initiative - which we haven's publicly done much with, and with all the Bible studies that have started up this year in our churches.

So ends a quiet afternoon. Cold and windy and snowy again.

I am making lamb stew. It's been so relaxing to be at home, to eat at home, to sit down and rest in the evening. I have taken the calendar for Jan and I have marked out all evenings over three or four and I am just not going to be available to work on those evenings. And I have picked out dates for retreat, too.
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