really, it was a good weekend. really

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It really was a good weekend. I had Friday night by myself as the eagle rehearsed - and that was fine, because I tweaked my sermon about Mary and blessedness, and watched the last episode of Glee and went to bed content. I even finished cookies for the bake sale with plenty of time.

And Saturday morning I helped at church with the Christmas baskets, and hung around with some good people. And went home and got cleaned up and attended Lessons and Carols and went out for dinner with the Eagle. All was well.

All was well Sunday, too. Well, I felt a little groggier than usual since the cat woke me before the alarm. Got to church early, and the first service went fine. Even though I had forgotten the manuscript of the sermon at home - I did well jumping off the edge and the Holy Spirit did hold me up. The sermon was basically about 'blessing' being not about good fortune or good luck - and all of us are blessed at Christmas because Jesus was born for us - not because everything is all right - it's okay to be grieving or sad - and you are still blessed.

Good that my pastoral colleage was listening - good that I was partnering that day - because I fell apart at the 2nd service. Opening - was okay - music - good - prayers - fine. Call the children up for the children's message and . . .

The world started spinning. Dramatically. All at once. I managed to finish speaking to the children, say to my colleauge- "and now Pastor will read the message", sit down quickly and put my head down. First thought - 'fainting'. But I never passed out - I heard everything going on around me. I passed the mic to Pastor and whispered - tell him to go on! "Are you okay?" me: "no." Do you want us to: - find the paramedic that goes to church there - oh, yes. Couldn't find him or the either of the doctors. Call 911 - 'yes, please.' All this with my head down, eyes closed and breaking into a cold sweat.

I heard one of our guys sing a great solo. I was just hoping no one was paying any attention to the woman slumped at a table in front. Of course they were.

Finally, 911 came and I was carted off in front of everyone! Could not open my eyes or move at all. I was holding on to the gurney for dear life. Medicine helped stop the spinning in the ambulance. I was released after about one and a half hour.

Medicine seems to be keeping the vertigo down - I'm on a 8 hour dosing schedule more or less, but I'm concerned that it's only supressing the vertigo and it will come back at the end of the period. I do not feel okay yet, still tired and fuzzy and what I call 'woozy' - but it's not full-blown spinning.

Well, I am blessed - in ways I don't quite realize. Good, good spouse, co-workers, a comfortable house to recuperate in. Peace to all.
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blogging or not

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I haven't kept up with the gratitude posts - mostly because I couldn't think of things when the page was blank.

The news from the Church-wide assembly bothered me a lot. I will be one of those conscience-bound pastors - not necessarily for the same reasons as others - and yes, it is affecting the local ministry in churches like mine.

I am still dealing with ego issues with staff at work. Crazy making conversations, being caught in the hall before worship for decisions, and then being told I was not helpful - in other words things are just about as difficult as they were at the beginning of the summer.

I have spent time in reflection about my ministry, and don't have clear resolution yet. The third-party colleague group I hoped to sign up for hasn't materialized. I'm still not gettting out of my shell and away from my desk enough.

And the fall/winter/spring schedule starts. The only clarity is that I have decided to take a class with NAMI on Thursday evenings and have cleared my calendar from anything but wedding rehearsals.

At least I can do that for myself.
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back from heaven

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or Southwest Wisconsin, take your pick. Pretty close to the heaven I'm looking for.

Scandinavian designed tiny cottage on a hillside overlooking the rolling hills and valleys of the driftless region. Couldn't see lights or hear cars at night. I don't remember that last time that was true. Sat on the porch and read, or just stared. Cooked simple good food. Had fresh strawberries and local sweet corn at the same meal.

A few notes -

• Aquila and I were both wounded - him from surgery, me from a fall down our outside stairs. It was okay to take care of ourselves.
• Being out of cell phone range with lousy internet connections is a really good thing.
• The DS was on his road trip and we were able to release him to his fate.
• While going to the famous sights was okay, I could have skipped them - I was in such a mellow mood.
• There are a lot of not-very-good novels out there. I had the bad luck to start two of them.
  
• Serious conversations can be scary, but ours turned out all right.
• I still have insomnia.

I did write about the question: what am I doing, what do I need to do? And I did get a little farther. But not that far. About two days of that heavy thinking is all I get in on any week, it seems.

Back to work today - will have funeral Wednesday, and I may need to run to hosp. within the hour. The usual. DS thought (misheard) that we were going to be backd on Monday, not Sunday, so he was all over the place. But he did help clean up. He only broke one door in a rage. Sigh. That is not okay.
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13 ways to deal with me

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Today I heard the old complaint "When you get short with me". It's old. Others have said it to me. So it must be true, at some level. But during this conversation these thoughts went through my head:

"What do you do that causes me to be short with you?"
"Why am I the one who has/is the problem?
"Why do I have to have the thick skin, infinite patience and deep understanding?"

So: 13 ways to deal with me:
1) Don't accost me when I walk in the door, or are heading out of the door to somewhere else, expecting a cordial decision. Let me get my coat off! Or understand that I'm supposed to be somewhere. Your bad planning is not my emergency.
2) Please get to the point.
3) Please get to the 2nd point in the same discussion.
4) Don't interrupt me when I'm in conversation with someone else. I'll extend the same courtesy to you. Ask me to get back to you. I will.
4b) I'll let one interruption pass. Two will tick me off.
5) I love to brainstorm and be creative. I can also give advice. I can also tell you what to do. Let me know what works for you this time.
6) Remember what I've told you, especially if you asked for the information/decision. And if you asked, let me know if you're not going to use it.
7) CYA is not a bad thing. Remind me of our decisions/conversations in writing.
8) Don't lie.
9) Be careful about dropping the ball. But at least clean up after yourself. Ask for help if you need it. There is usually a Plan B.
10) No surprises. No unpleasant surprises. Good ones are okay.
11) Ask me to reconsider if you think I'm flying off the handle. My high emotions (temper) has a half-life of about 3 hours.
12) Don't hold grudges about me. I usually move on (although trust may become an issue if we have a history). I spend time in prayer to understand others.
13) Even if it is unpleasant, let's talk face to face. Don't go behind my back. Talk to me (jsut not on the run).

So, it's onward and upward in the realm of human relations!
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little things

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It's the little things.

It's the things I don't control.

I can only control how I respond.

It's having this conversation.

Confirmation Coordinator: "We had a pretty good year. I only wish we had some goals or some vision statement so we have a sense of the bigger picture of what we're doing. Parents don't seem to understand why we ask for what we ask."

Me: "Ah, when you started last summer I gave you a file with all the work from the task force that looked at that issue in 2007. There were all the notes, the final vision statement, the yearly goals and objectives and the 5 year plan. I also sent you the orientation PowerPoint with that same material on it to share with the parents."

Later that week: Confirmation Coordinator: "Oh, I can't find that yellow file, do you still have that material?"

And yesterday, when I looked on the computer - all my confirmation documents are gone. Just gone. Not there. Not in back-up either. I don't know what happened.

It's having this situation. Tonight I have to discuss faith statements with 4 high school students. I was told that student X had her statement in, and it was a good one. I said to student X last week - looking forward to seeing your statement and talking to you. Now I was told yesterday that student X doesn't have her paper in. MP said to me - I'll call. Today at staff, MP turns to Youth Director and says: "did you call?" Youth Director, who was at church with me until almost 9 last night. "No I didn't, but I texted them just now - 10:30 a.m."

I can only control how I respond.

I desire to give people a piece of my ear. But that would only make folks look at me as a shrew. I'm sitting tight until I can formulate how to respond.

How to say truth in love - "you ignored the materials I gave you, and the work that I and others had done on that very topic of vision and goals. I'm sorry you felt you weren't supported that way, but the materials were there for you."

"I'm disappointed there wasn't earlier and firmer followup with these statements. I counted on you to do what you had said. Between Monday morning and Tuesday bed-time I put in 21 hours, and you put in 7 - but I would have made the phone calls if you had asked."

And there are more troubling situations on the horizon. Sigh. the questions remain - how am i best to do the work?
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a little

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A little rejoicing.
Today I made dinner on a Monday for the first time in I don't know how long. 5 weeks? more? I'm actually home for two nights Monday-Thursday this week. (by the way, we had baked lemon chicken and veggie risotto. And I may make cookies after the Eagle finishes dishes.) Several things to be grateful for - a husband who does dishes, a home to cook in, a job that takes too many hours, but does keep us in the home and pays the bills.

A little complaining.
You know, I've been leading worship for over 12 years. I don't need to be told how to do it. Especially when it's minor things - matters of no importance. Every time that happens the thought runs through my mind - is this the place I really need to be? But there is no perfect church.

A little self-realization.
I'm a nerd. An artistic nerd, but a nerd non-the-less. I like looking for artwork to create powerpoint and slide shows and wish I had a movie editing program. Mostly, I find myself content to work by myself. That is not a good thing - it's a kick-back to the introversion, too shy thing of long ago. Maybe it's a response to stress.
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Sunday after

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I know it's selfish, but I'm almost crying because the funeral will take away my day of retreat. It's my job, it's what I do, it's what I'm called to do. Why is is so fr*king hard to get a day off? To get two days off in a row?

I probably feel this way since I just completed a 64 hour week - and that was with one night at home.

At this time last year I hit a wall. My blood pressure spiked, I snapped at people, had long weepy conversations, increased my meds - of all kinds. I promised myself that I would not get the Lent syndrome again.

Lent will be full and busy this year. That is why I had hoped to have my three days this next week. Now - hmm, I work on Friday, my day off, I probably write a sermon on Thursday, and Saturday - Saturday is still mine - all mine!

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i can't - i can

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Coming home from break puts me in a new place, looking at some things from new(er) perspectives. And coming to some hard decisions.

To put these resolutions in the form of i can't -i can seems appropriate - because they start with stopping.

i (we) can't continue to financially support DS. I can tell him that we care, care so much we will let him fail.

i can't continue to be emotionally entangled and feel responsible for DS. I will stop looking for job opportunities, stop trying to be his coach. He doesn't want a coach.

i can't continue to be both mirror of lead pastor and team pastor and everything pastor - I can work with MP to sort out who does what and how I can step away from some stuff (and how he can step away from others).

i can't continue working 56 hours/week and 5 evenings out of 7. I will remember to double schedule some nights so to be home others. And to relax on those evenings and not feel guilty.

i can't find time to exercise - it's just not a go. No guilt. I can find time to walk around a lot, stay active at work, wear comfortable shoes. I can eat wisely and drink less.

i can't stop everything. I can learn more about mindfulness and slow down a lot.

So that's the place I am.

The issues around DS are so complicated. We have a history of abusive behavior - him toward me. He was removed from the home for disorderly conduct - but always returned. Even returned against my stated wishes. The cops talked me out of making complaints sometimes. Now he is older and out of the house. But he still uses us.

The evening we returned home he was in a foul mood. He refused and swore at me when I requested to use the family computer, to check e-mail and pay bills. He admitted that he hadn't done a single thing about looking for work, and blamed us. He had the gall to say we hadn't done anything for him. I asked him for the house key, and asked him to leave. He punched a hole in a door (a new door, to boot). But he thinks he was fine - because he wasn't directly confrontational - I was the one who was yelling.

The day after he called, politely, and asked for the rent check. Today he said he would look at job leads.

But it's all a game, isn't it? A game I've been playing for 6 years. Who is the real kid - the real man? The liar or the contrite one, the angry one or the sweet one? If I was his girlfriend - would he be gone? Would I be strong enough? But I'm his mother - there are so many internal conflicts - and he'll never be gone.

Get help, some say. But what help is there? Tough love - we are starting on that, although I don't like the official philosophy. It's hard to watch your kid actually starve (he's lost 20 lbs at least, since he doesn't have money to eat.) The official help agencies - they want to work with people who want to help themselves. he's not there yet.

And off I go to church and I'm to be just fine. I am to be available 55 hours a week and not complain. I am to be present for all the troubles and trials, sit through meetings while we debate throw-away communion cups vs. glass, and listen to fussing without action. I am so conscientious I worry if I pare away 2 hours of the day when I "should" be working.

I have to stop this. Just be. Breathe. Take time.

Prayers welcome.
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one of those Sundays

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It was one of those Sundays.

To start with - although I went to bed early, sober and tired, i had my usual disturbed sleep, which was not helped when Aquila was called out at 1 p.m and didn't come home again. I was up at 5:30 and no sweetie. He arrived as I was leaving the house. A sad story about a drunk driver.

Got to the church and we just had tons of stuff to cover. Installation of staff and council, remembering baptisms of kids - and I had to located the candles and water, etc.. We are working with a difficult person, and he was actually not difficult today. The bulb was out on the projector. We underestimated the number at that service and didn't run enough song sheets.

I have a 10 item list of stuff to follow up on.

God's blessings do rain - one of those things is a request for a baptism for a 5th grader.

In the midst of all the sad news in the world - there is light.
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