i can't - i can

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Coming home from break puts me in a new place, looking at some things from new(er) perspectives. And coming to some hard decisions.

To put these resolutions in the form of i can't -i can seems appropriate - because they start with stopping.

i (we) can't continue to financially support DS. I can tell him that we care, care so much we will let him fail.

i can't continue to be emotionally entangled and feel responsible for DS. I will stop looking for job opportunities, stop trying to be his coach. He doesn't want a coach.

i can't continue to be both mirror of lead pastor and team pastor and everything pastor - I can work with MP to sort out who does what and how I can step away from some stuff (and how he can step away from others).

i can't continue working 56 hours/week and 5 evenings out of 7. I will remember to double schedule some nights so to be home others. And to relax on those evenings and not feel guilty.

i can't find time to exercise - it's just not a go. No guilt. I can find time to walk around a lot, stay active at work, wear comfortable shoes. I can eat wisely and drink less.

i can't stop everything. I can learn more about mindfulness and slow down a lot.

So that's the place I am.

The issues around DS are so complicated. We have a history of abusive behavior - him toward me. He was removed from the home for disorderly conduct - but always returned. Even returned against my stated wishes. The cops talked me out of making complaints sometimes. Now he is older and out of the house. But he still uses us.

The evening we returned home he was in a foul mood. He refused and swore at me when I requested to use the family computer, to check e-mail and pay bills. He admitted that he hadn't done a single thing about looking for work, and blamed us. He had the gall to say we hadn't done anything for him. I asked him for the house key, and asked him to leave. He punched a hole in a door (a new door, to boot). But he thinks he was fine - because he wasn't directly confrontational - I was the one who was yelling.

The day after he called, politely, and asked for the rent check. Today he said he would look at job leads.

But it's all a game, isn't it? A game I've been playing for 6 years. Who is the real kid - the real man? The liar or the contrite one, the angry one or the sweet one? If I was his girlfriend - would he be gone? Would I be strong enough? But I'm his mother - there are so many internal conflicts - and he'll never be gone.

Get help, some say. But what help is there? Tough love - we are starting on that, although I don't like the official philosophy. It's hard to watch your kid actually starve (he's lost 20 lbs at least, since he doesn't have money to eat.) The official help agencies - they want to work with people who want to help themselves. he's not there yet.

And off I go to church and I'm to be just fine. I am to be available 55 hours a week and not complain. I am to be present for all the troubles and trials, sit through meetings while we debate throw-away communion cups vs. glass, and listen to fussing without action. I am so conscientious I worry if I pare away 2 hours of the day when I "should" be working.

I have to stop this. Just be. Breathe. Take time.

Prayers welcome.
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