Monday, July 27, 2009

up & running

I haven't posted much this summer. There are various reasons for that.
  • I moved my office from one building to another. It feels odd and still awkward in the new place, around the staff that I used to see only a couple a times a week. Now I'm out of the conversations in the old place, and not in conversations in the new place.
  • We went on vacation right after that move. Vacation was great and I continue to work on my personal journal, casting out the line for my own vocational reality and personal peace.
  • We had to move our son out of his apartment - I am not paying rent any more. He had trashed the apartment, and it was a hard slog through that issue, both physically and emotionally.
  • We have been doing a sermon series at church, on purchased material, so I haven't had to write original sermons. There's enough there for another post, for sure.
  • I've been doing more Facebook.
The two identities that I have to work at now are Pastor and Parent. As parent - DS will be 21 soon, and we are girding up for cutting him free. He has so few skills, so few resources and no motivation. Of course I worry. But he also doesn't hear advice.

He has court on Wednesday, and at least I think he should cut his hair and find nice clothes to wear (and, no, don't take them from your dad's closet). But - this is what most parents don't understand - I can't tell him that. His response would be either: anger, silence, or mocking. Of the three, silence is the most typical these days. And, we are at fault after the fact, always. That's the borderline personality for you.

As pastor I am still trying to find my place, my emphasis, my 'thing'. I feel marginalized a lot - I'm not as visible as others, and not 'included.' (Dear God, I sound like a teenager!). But it struck me that there is freedom on the margins, and perhaps it isn't such a bad place to do ministry.

More on all of this later.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

a shared moment

Over dinner, I look into his eyes, he looks into mine.

I say - how are we going to get the trash bin out, since they poured the concrete for the driveway today?
He says - Out through the back door.
I say - I think it's too big for that.
He says - we could empty out all the bags, and pass the bin over the new concrete at the corner.
I say - very carefully.

Marriage. It's a wonderful thing.

Monday, July 13, 2009

back from heaven

or Southwest Wisconsin, take your pick. Pretty close to the heaven I'm looking for.

Scandinavian designed tiny cottage on a hillside overlooking the rolling hills and valleys of the driftless region. Couldn't see lights or hear cars at night. I don't remember that last time that was true. Sat on the porch and read, or just stared. Cooked simple good food. Had fresh strawberries and local sweet corn at the same meal.

A few notes -
  • Aquila and I were both wounded - him from surgery, me from a fall down our outside stairs. It was okay to take care of ourselves.
  • Being out of cell phone range with lousy internet connections is a really good thing.
  • The DS was on his road trip and we were able to release him to his fate.
  • While going to the famous sights was okay, I could have skipped them - I was in such a mellow mood.
  • There are a lot of not-very-good novels out there. I had the bad luck to start two of them.
  • Serious conversations can be scary, but ours turned out all right.
  • I still have insomnia.
I did write about the question: what am I doing, what do I need to do? And I did get a little farther. But not that far. About two days of that heavy thinking is all I get in on any week, it seems.

Back to work today - will have funeral Wednesday, and I may need to run to hosp. within the hour. The usual. DS thought (misheard) that we were going to be backd on Monday, not Sunday, so he was all over the place. But he did help clean up. He only broke one door in a rage. Sigh. That is not okay.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

happy 4th

Just kicking back on the holiday. My sister is here on her laptop and the Eagle's on his computer downstairs. Just the typical american folks on the fourth?

We are too much in the world, it seems.

Am waiting for the DS to return from California alive and well. Did some mental hands off on his decision to go on the road trip, and we'll leave as soon as he returns and commits to cat care. Being hands off in his life and decision is easy in one way - I'm not going to his apartment to clean it while he's gone - but hard in other ways. The apartment WILL need cleaning before he leaves at the end of the month. I hope again hope that this road trip will clear his mind and get him focused. I don't know why I think that would be true, it's not be true before. Hands off means at least we don't fight.

I know another family, another son the same age, in ICU with a serious illness. I am grateful for my son's relative health and relative good nature these days. As DS would say: why do you have a problem with my choices?

Today is going to be overcast, but not rainy. We'll grill meat and eat well and maybe sit on the roof to watch fireworks. Problem with that is the whole slanted roof thing.

Too lazy to do any real projects - cleaning the garage does not appeal.

Vacation began yesterday. Let it be.