leading with trauma, pt. 1

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Today I am either having an anxiety attack or a blues attack. Saw a person with a sad story and cried with her, and I'm still feeling teary hours later. It may be reaction from the events of yesterday, when Aquila had a dizzy spell and ended up with a CT scan. (him: you know the good news? I have a brain! Me: but it's a little wobbly, isn't it?)

I usually want to be seen as being altogether, as being okay with myself. I don't want to show my weaknesses. If asked why not show my weaknesses - I would respond with the experiences I have had of being discounted, of being ignored or dismissed, because of my 'moodiness', 'instability' or 'history.'

I'm told it's good to be vulnerable. It makes me approachable. Mentioning some of the issues with my son opened a door last month.

The truth is I have had significant trauma in my life. Lots of stuff has happened.

Once I entered a new therapy group and was asked - tell us about yourself and why you are in therapy and I accounted all that 'stuff'. At the end, there was silence. 'okay, she wins.' And I wasn't even 40 yet.

But I hesitate to be the poster child for 'getting your act together through faith.' I do not want it to seem that I say - look, I survived *this horrible thing* and you can too. I can say 'I have been there' and now I'm here, but I want no judgment placed by that. There are no simple answers to human recovery from trauma.

The crucifixion was Christ's act, not mine. I would be really uncomfortable - am really uncomfortable - if it was said of me: she's knows what she's talking about because of *this horror* and not: she's knows what she's talking about because she knows Christ.

I have been led through the shadows and the valley of death. I have seen light in the darkness. I have forgiven others. I have accepted that I am forgiven. I'm not perfect. I am a work in progress.

And I am awfully uncomfortable with using my recovery as sermon material. But, the question remains - am I closing myself off?
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