sick and annoyed

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Home sick. Home because when I was asked to run Aquila's pager to him - I got lost on the way to his office. I know where his office is. I just spaced out more than once on the way there, missed turns and doubled the time I needed to get there. It was so weird. Now I suspect what Alzheimer's feels like.

Add to that weirdness and disorientation a general sense of wooziness and an empty calendar, and I just came back home. It's a sick day, whether I'm feverish or not. Our administrative assistant just came off of 4 or 5 days out sick with a virus, so let's not take chances.

Annoyed with DS, snaps at me when I ask about his legal issues. This is not the assurance of someone who tells me he'll do it himself, but the attitude of someone who prefers not to be reminded that he has problems.

We believe DS has borderline personality disorder, which means, for him, that his emotions run rampant and he feels out of control most of the time. This translates into very, very bad behavior towards others and himself. This translates into crazy living choices and selfish and manipulative actions. This also means he accepts abuse, too, when he feels he needs a person. But he can't understand the difference between abusive behavior towards himself and love.

Most of the recommendations for parents of adult people with BPD is to stop helping them. But a year ago I agreed to help with the rent (to get him out of the house for my sanity), and so I'm still liable for that and for the condition of his apartment - which I gather is a squalid mess now.

And I helped out last week, when I had two minutes to decide what to do. So now I am annoyed when he snaps at me - I want my money back!

It is hard to learn how to parent in this totally different mode. When all one learned about being a parent is wrong for this kid. When what one has to do is exactly opposite of what people with 'good' kids do.

There is a huge chasm between us and other parents. The on-line parents group is called 'OZ', because everything is upside down.

So, we take our lives day by day, and try to have our joys where we can.\
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